In other words, be less anxious, stop avoiding people and lead with conviction unless you are at the grocery store.

During pre-holiday food shopping, I blew it on all fronts.  Being five carts behind the lucky guy tossing his groceries onto the conveyor belt in lane 12, it was clear I wouldn’t make the conference call scheduled in 30 minutes.  Then lane 13 opened, and the cashier waved me over.  I swung my cart and the mom in front of me in aisle 12 - with a cartful of food and a toddler - yelled.  I stopped, apologized, and made way for her to come over ahead of me, but she declined. She kept up her angry tirade, clearly at the place where her indignation was now more important than being first in line.

What had I done?  I created a triangle between myself, the mom, and the cashier impatiently waiting. Realizing this, I stayed calm, asking the mom to go ahead of me while smiling at the cashier and repeating myself to no avail. My anxiety kept rising because I couldn’t lower the mom’s anxiety.  So, I maturely veered off course, pointed to the cashier, and screeched, “She waved me over”!  The toddler wailed, and I felt all eyes turn toward me. Perfect.

Staying calm means centering yourself in the moment - whether at the grocery store or work. A team member is upset with the change in procedure that affects their workload. Your direct report is stressed because human resources policies have changed.  Whatever the anxiety in another, it always feels personal.  Staying calm and not taking it personally can lower the hum of anxiety in another, and that helps keep a healthy connection in place.