I was the one who stayed in contact with all family members about what was happening, organized aspects of care for him and his family, stepped in to talk to doctors on behalf of my sister-in-law, and helped her and my brother make end of life decisions. There was also a great deal of infighting about whether to tell my 95-year-old mother what was happening. My two sisters-in-law had not seen her for a long time (due to Covid restrictions) and had no idea how much she had deteriorated cognitively. Both insisted (in ways that my two older sisters found offensive) that she be told immediately. I talked with each person separately and got everyone to agree that we would consult a specialist at my mother’s care home to decide if she should be told. We all agreed to abide by that decision. I also worked with my siblings to create a shared eulogy and worked with friends of my brother in Washington State to create a Zoom room so that the rest of the family could “be present” for the funeral. One of my brother’s last wishes was that we do not travel to his funeral because the Covid rate was very high in that area.

I firmly believe that my Resilient Leadership training is what allowed me to effectively take the lead for my family during this time. I stayed calm and acted as a step-down transformer no matter who was yelling what. I stayed connected by listening intensely to each person and taking the actionable pieces of what each family member was saying to incorporate it into our plans. I maintained a healthy level of self-differentiation when dealing with triangles, connected people to talk to each other directly instead of venting to me or others, stayed the course in terms of what I knew my brother wanted, and was also able to lead the efforts with the conviction of what was right for my brother, his family, and his family of origin.

I learned a lot during this very difficult time as I watched the principles of Resilient Leadership in action. I have to say that, as much as I deeply believe in these concepts, I was still surprised at how well they worked in such trying circumstances. I’ve continued to rely on these concepts and practices to navigate relationships within my family. We’ve experienced some additional difficult times since my brother’s death. It’s clear that my family “sees” me differently. I tend to be the first one someone calls now, instead of the last one to know because they want to protect their little sister.