Staying Out of Fix-it Mode
Staying Out of Fix-it Mode In a toxic triangle, people tend to get stuck in old feeling-driven patterns of thinking, relating, and behaving. In a system, toxic triangles are rarely limited to the original triad; the anxiety they are meant to contain when they first form generally spills over and generates other, interlocking triangles that raise anxiety in the larger organization.
There is a common mistake that leaders make if they are unfamiliar with the laws of triangles. Leaders care about their employees, just as parents care about their children. And when two employees (or two family members) are struggling to get along, a leader’s (or a parent’s) first instinct is to intervene and try to fix whatever may be causing the conflict.
Even good leaders often break this rule unintentionally. Efforts to will any other person(s) to change—or attempts to fix what is happening between the others in the triangle—almost always produce the opposite of what is intended and leave you with the stress that belongs to them. The first triangle below illustrates the most common violation of this law.
Try A New Way of LEADING: Manage your stress by repositioning yourself in triangles.
- Work at developing relationships with each of the other two parts of the triangle when they are in conflict, but encourage them to resolve their own issues or differences rather than look to you for the solution.
- Try to understand both sides of the dynamic between the other two without taking sides.
- Avoid the “togetherness position” (Ed Friedman’s phrase) where you feel responsible for keeping it all together.
- Be curious; try to draw out facts by asking good questions. Propose alternative ways to frame/see/understand the situation. Work at clarifying someone’s position rather than changing others’ minds or agreeing/disagreeing with others.
- Don’t get attached to any particular outcome.
- Don’t disconnect or rescue; remain available as a resource while encouraging others to reach resolution.
- Avoid feeling sorry for, blaming, or thinking about what “should be.”
(Excerpts from RL 2.0)
Some People We've Coached and/or Trained
