Transforming Triangles

After spending over two hours with a technical expert to troubleshoot issues with my cell phone, I ended up driving home with no resolution and a factory-reset phone that I would have to manually restore.

On my silent, disconnected drive home without navigation or tunes – the reset having rendered the phone unable to connect with CarPlay – I could feel annoyance and frustration rising.

Still fuming, I opened the door to my house … to be met by my toy fox terrier, Tugboat.

He didn’t ask what happened. He didn’t try to fix it. He didn’t take a side. Instead, he just bounded toward me, acting like my return home was the most important event of his day.  Within a few moments, I noticed the tight coil of stress begin to loosen. My shoulders relaxed and I even found myself smiling as he insisted on a greeting that required me to step out of my rumination and into the moment.

Nothing about the situation with my phone had changed. But something in me had.

In that moment, Tugboat became the third point in a triangle I didn’t even realize I had entered – a triangle between me and a frustrating experience with a technician that had begun to consume my attention and elevate my stress. Without intention or technique, he did what healthy triangles do best: he absorbed none of my tension, amplified none of my frustration, and yet somehow, he helped dissipate both.

He didn’t pull me further into the problem. He helped me step out of it just enough to regain perspective.

We often talk about triangles as something to avoid.  But what if the real skill isn’t avoiding them, but figuring out how we can make them beneficial and productive when find ourselves in one?

The reality is, a triangle is not inherently toxic; it is, in fact, a structure that regulates stress by offering a pathway to offload and defuse difficult situations.  When tension between two people rises to a level that is beyond what they can navigate, there is often a natural inclination to recruit a third person, which can create stability.  In essence, triangulation is a signal that the system is attempting to regulate itself when under pressure.

The problem isn’t that leaders get pulled into triangles, the problem is that most leaders don’t know how to lead from within one.

Toxic vs Transformative Triangles

In unhealthy triangles, stress becomes fuel for dysfunction.  Instead of creating stability, they further anxiety and stress due to reactive thinking and behavior, which is often driven by old feelings and automatic actions/reactions.  Anxiety travels around the triangle, due to reactivity, moving from one person, to the other, to the next; frequently creating even more triangles in response.  These dysfunctional triangles foster anxious and more reactive systems.

Healthy triangles can be transformative as stress becomes fuel for growth.  They foster calmer and less reactive systems and are characterized by clear thinking and thoughtful, intentional behaviors among those involved.

Toxic Triangle Characteristics	Transformative Triangle Characteristics
Secrecy	Transparency
Blame	Curiosity
Emotional dumping	Emotional processing
Avoidance of direct conversation	Preparation for direct conversation
Expands and prolongs stress	Diminishes and redistributes stress

Three Steps to Shift from a Toxic to Transformative Triangle

1.Take in (not take sides)

• Receive the stress without absorbing the narrative as truth.
  • “I hear this is frustrating, help me understand what matters most here.”

2.Transform (not transmit)

• Shift the energy from reactivity to reflection.
  • Slow it down
  • Notice and name patterns
  • Distinguish facts from interpretation

3.Transfer back (with intention)

• The triangle is not the end point; think of it as a staging ground.
  • “What would it look like to share this directly with this person in a way that moves things forward?”

• Toxic triangles trap energy
• Healthy triangles process and return it

Wrapping it Up

Triangles don’t disappear as systems mature, but they can become more conscious and act as positive catalysts for redistributing systemic anxiety.  The goal for leaders is not to avoid or step out of triangles, but to practice stepping into them and participating differently – using their presence to shift from toxic to transformative.

EileenWiediger, Certified Resilient Leadership Coach

Eileen is an ICF-certified coach who empowers individuals at all levels to navigate the dynamic journey from self-awareness to self-transcendence. She has worked as a strategist, instructional designer, and facilitator solving complex problems and creating systems for learning and growth. You can reach her at: https://www.linkedin.com/in/a-eileen-wiediger/ or through her website: https://www.steeproad.com.