Build Your Listening Mojo

This month’s offering suggests some simple ways to think about and practice effective listening. Below you will find some ideas that will help you avoid the harmful effects of poor listening habits and—as a bonus—that can deepen the quality of your relationships. We call these basic skills “Building Your Listening Mojo”.

How to Build Your Listening Mojo

1. Be Present: Most of us already remember not to interrupt or talk over when others are speaking. But the key is often what we do after we have listened to the other—what we say or don’t say in those next few pivotal moments that allow us to connect authentically, to add value, and to deepen trust and build common understanding. None of that can happen if we fail to be truly present to the other.
2. Be Aware: Sociologist Charles Derber has identified and described two types of listening responses that he calls supportive and shifting. See if you can tell which is which in the two responses below:
   • Your co-worker says, “I’m so overwhelmed, I’m not sure how I’m going to finish my reports by Friday.”
     • Response A: “I hear you. I’m in the same boat with two reports to complete by Monday!”
     • Response B: “I hear you. What will you tackle first?”
   • Response A is mildly supportive but shifts attention AWAY from the speaker and toward yourself.
   • Response B is both supportive AND invites the speaker to continue. The focus stays on the speaker, not on you.
3. Be Curious: Avoid being an overfunctioning listener. To be a supportive listener, you don't need to offer any helpful tidbits. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Simply remain curious. It's tempting to think we are helping someone when we have listened to them and immediately offer a suggestion or solution. But that is rarely what the other is seeking. By shifting the focus to our own brilliant advice, we inadvertently signal something else. We are sending the message (intentionally or not) that the other person is not able to manage their own dilemma. Where they were merely seeking support, we miss the point and offer them something much less valuable.
4. Be Quiet: Try pausing in the conversation and remain silent for a second or two, giving yourself the space to determine what the other is actually seeking (i.e., support or solutions). Genuine support requires nothing on your part except to wait for the other to speak. Most often what your companion is seeking is to feel heard and understood. Instead of jumping in with a “helpful” comment, you can use nonverbals like a smile or a head nod to let them know that you’d like them to continue. Or try just saying, “I’m listening!”